As I look back at this past year I think I have cried more than I have ever cried in my entire life.
I cry at least once a day, every day, for various reasons. Sometimes it feels really good to let my emotions flow and other times it feels like total sorrow with no end in sight. I feel I constantly struggle with physically symptoms which take emotional tolls on my body each day. I do think I have become much more vulnerable in this life, yet at the same time stronger; I believe that makes sense. Vulnerability is a whole other topic for another day.
I lost my best friend in January and it tore my heart apart. I never thought I would get over it. My heart was literally shattered, and I was lost without him…I still feel hurt just writing about it now. I remember crying myself to sleep each night, not wanting to go home, and not wanting to be at work. I was physically ill from his loss for quite some time. It’s crazy how much they can affect us. Indy was my dog, he loved me unconditionally, and was there throughout so much of the hurt in my life. I am forever grateful to have had him in my life.
Just before Indy passed, I decided to pursue long-term IV antibiotic treatment for my Lyme. I was very hopeful for my future I was optimistic in my decision. Then when Indy passed, I thought how in the hell am I going to do this alone now? Now, I realize I was not alone, but Indy made my house a home and now that home was now empty. Eventually the pain and hurt lessened. I believe that he inspired me to fight harder and I do sort of see his passing as a blessing to focus on starting my IV treatment. Still though, life is so unfair.
After months of daily treatment, I found it really started to consume my mind. I felt I was going mad, insane, literally felt lost in a sea of emotions without a flotation device. I would live in this haze, cry every day, multiple times a day, and felt totally powerless. Even with having all the support around me, nothing felt right. The medicine was taking a major toll on my body and soul. Thankfully we reduced my protocol and added in lots of detoxing methods to help clear out some of the dead toxins in my body causing inflammation. I cried so much during those darkest of days.
As my symptoms balanced out and became less mentally scary my Nona passed away. She was 97 years old, was our family’s matriarch, and lived an incredible life. No matter what losing someone in your life is not easy but sometimes you just know that they are in a better place. Nona is with her husband, healthy, and full of youth again. I cried, and I cried for days. It really hit me hard losing Nona. She meant so much to our whole family and really brought us all strength and wisdom. She still does. She’ll show up in my dreams just to tell me that she’s alright and tells me to keep fighting … Cue on the tears.
This journey has been long and wild, but it is my journey. I have grown so much mentally and feel that I am ready to have someone else join me on my path. There is so much isolation with Lyme and I feel that is of great importance to not get sucked into that lifestyle. Alone time is good, but, being with others is much healthier. I still suffer from physical pains and have had a very emotional past ten years. I have experienced lots of personal growth and physical challenges that will make for a complex situation, but I really want to be wrapped into the arms of another and I think that it can be possible.
There is a lot of risk when open our hearts to someone new, especially when we are living with a chronic illness. We want to try and find solitude in someone. We want to feel completely open and honest with our feelings and our personal struggles. I have been fighting this journey on my own for years and when I visualize a future with a new partner and then see possibility of it failing, I feel left with fear. Fear that I’ll go back to doing it alone again and fear that I’ll be left with yet another broken heart. This is the risk of putting ourselves out there though. I think it’s important to tread those waters and hopefully find someone that will make you feel healthy, help reduce your anxiety, and bring you genuine happiness. It is also important to know that it will hurt if it doesn’t work out, no matter what.
One thing I have learned over the years is that it is extremely important for us to not allow our emotions to take control over our responsibilities when we are face with extremely dire situations. Do not allow yourself to indulge in junk food, alcohol, or other vices when we are put into sad circumstances or things we cannot control. It’s important to keep structure, maintain your health, and focus on the good around us. This too shall pass.
“Don’t drink to feel better. Drink to feel even better.” – Reese Witherspoon in “How Do You Know”
The point of me writing this is that I want to share that I have found that by allowing my tears to flow I have been able to cry, well, bawl, and really let out my emotions out rather than bottling them up inside of me. There is proven science that when you bottle up emotions it can really eat away at your body and soul. It is important to focus on our health and our futures. Do not dwell on the losses of the last years, try to accept them as a part of your life, and allow your heart to heal stronger than before.
I feel this year has been extremely trying on my heart. I’m not sure how I still have tears to cry but they still just flow and flow each day. Overall, this has been the hardest year of my life and next year I am going to go through the most intense physical challenges of treatment. I am curious as to what my future holds but I know I will make it out stronger than before.
“It’s not a crime to fall apart sometimes
It’s not a crime to ask why to ask why, you cry
Let your tears fall” – S. Furler / K.Clarkson
*Please remember that if you are struggling and need to talk with someone there is FREE Help Available!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources. CALL: 800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Crisis Text Line allows you to text from anywhere in the USA with a trained Crisis Counselor: TEXT: 741741 https://www.crisistextline.org/